


Here Comes the Sun

by mistysinkat, sallyamongpoison



Series: Da Capo: The Full Score [11]
Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Death of a Spouse, F/M, M/M, cullen was married to a woman, da capo aside, graveside visit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-07
Updated: 2016-05-07
Packaged: 2018-06-07 00:34:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6777241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mistysinkat/pseuds/mistysinkat, https://archiveofourown.org/users/sallyamongpoison/pseuds/sallyamongpoison
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Dorian meets Ella, and Cullen tries to explain how he feels.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Here Comes the Sun

**Author's Note:**

> The story takes place in the Da Capo universe a few months after Cullen moves in with Dorian. It was technically written for the "Loss" half of "Loss and Corruption" day for Cullrian week, but it took us a bit longer to get it done than expected. 
> 
> This was something we always wanted to write, but it never fit into the narrative. So now, it gets its own aside!

Three months. Three months they’d been living together, and Dorian couldn’t help but think it should have been harder to adjust. Cullen’s things had arrived, they’d gotten through the Midwinter season, and they’d even managed to make a few trips to the big furniture warehouse to get some extra shelves and things without wanting to kill each other. That was probably the most surprising thing. Cullen had slotted into the space without issue, though they’d had a few conversations about bathroom storage, and it was starting to feel like _their_ home as opposed to _his_ home that Cullen was moving into.

It was a good feeling.

That said, the last few days Cullen had seemed agitated. Or, maybe not agitated, but antsy. Dorian didn’t know what was causing that so much, and only that usually Cullen talked to him about things. It made him wonder, and worry a bit, but he was trying to let the man work at his own pace. He hadn’t seemed like he’d had any _really_ bad days, save one a while ago after his family had left, but there was always that worry there.

Dinner had just been finished, and Dorian set to clearing the plates. As he moved past Cullen he bent and kissed the top of his head, “Did you want another glass of wine?” he asked gently, “or just curl up on the couch with a movie?”

\----

Moving in. Building a life together. They were actually _doing it_ . It was early on, early enough that Cullen still thrilled when he talked about home and knew he meant with Dorian, but long enough that it felt real. And _right_ , he couldn’t forget that part. The way things had clicked once the decision had been made all but proclaimed how right it was… not that it had necessarily been easy all the time. There were, of course, still sore spots that needed working out - but it was just so overwhelmingly _good_ that Cullen often found himself wondering if it was all a dream.

But it wasn't. It was his life now - one with someone he loved and someone who, against all the odds, loved him back. Truly and without question.

Cullen almost didn't recognize the _dip_ when it started. A few days of feeling just a little tired, just a little down despite the beautiful spring weather passed before Cullen's eye noticed the date and it clicked. This happened every year like clockwork. It was, after all, close to the anniversary of Ella’s death.

He'd visit her this year, of course he would. He'd spent enough time hiding, wallowing in self pity and wracked with guilt… and those were the years he was sober enough to realize. This time, though, the dip in his mood gave way to an odd sort of anticipation. He was doing well, _genuinely_ well, and it would be exciting to share everything with her.

_I should take him to meet her._

The thought came out of the blue a few days ago as they were out having lunch. Cullen remembered that the sky was clear, the weather was warming, and Dorian was laughing at something in that musical way of his when it struck him. And once realized, it was obvious. How could he even begin to tell her about all the ways his life had gotten better without him… he _was_ all the ways Cullen's life had gotten better.

The challenge, though, was in the asking. _How do you ask the man you love to visit your dead wife's grave?_ Cullen didn't know, he just knew he had to, so he grew increasingly anxious over the next two days. He knew he was acting strange. He saw the way Dorian looked at him when he thought Cullen couldn't see - concerned, puzzled, maybe a little hurt. But the nerves persisted, and he found himself poking at dinner in almost complete silence.

_How? How do I ask? It's tomorrow, for Maker’s sake!_

And then Dorian was clearing the table and asking him a question as he kissed the top of Cullen's head. That was enough to drag him out of his own head, and he smiled up at the other man as he reached for Dorian's hand. “Actually… neither for now,” Cullen replied and felt his cheeks flushing as he went on, voice a little unsure. “I… ah… I have something to ask you. And it's ok to say no. Just so you know .”

\----

Well, that was... new. Dorian stayed where he was and just squeezed Cullen’s hand as he studied his face. He was blushing, looked unsure, and suddenly Dorian really was worried. Cullen rarely _asked_ if he could ask him something, and that was enough to make him work through a hundred things and try to sort out if he’d done something wrong.

But nothing came to mind. Nothing, at least, save a few more growing pains they needed to work out. Nothing that was any different to the usual need to talk. Nothing special, as far as Dorian knew.

“Alright,” he answered before he bent to kiss Cullen’s hair again, “what did you want to ask?”

\----

_Well, here goes._

Cullen took a deep breath and let it out as he guided Dorian to sit back down with him at the table. That done, there wasn’t anything to do but ask. He tried to push down the uncertainty - how would Dorian take it? Would he think it weird? Would he be offended? No, Dorian wasn’t the type. He’d never had anything bad to say about that part of Cullen’s past, and had been unbelievably supportive. In ways that defied reason to many, but that was love. And Cullen just had to believe in that.

And he did.

“I’ve been… off the past few days, I know,” he started as he squeezed the hand he held for strength. “I’m sorry for that… and for not talking to you sooner.” Scarred lips curled up into an apologetic smile before he went on. “The truth is… well, the truth is that it’s the… tomorrow is the day of the accident. The one that took Ella.” He waited, clenching his jaw against the sadness that normally took him when he thought about it, and it was there, but it was… diminished. Time and healing did that, apparently.

\----

Oh. _Oh_. Well, now he felt a bit like an asshole. That should have been on his radar, after all. Dorian didn’t know the exact date, but he knew well enough whereabouts when things had happened. Of course Cullen would be upset. Of course he’d be a bit down. This wasn’t about _him_. It didn’t always have to be.

He wrapped that hand of Cullen’s in both of his own and bent to kiss his knuckle, “I didn’t realize,” Dorian answered, “I’m sorry.” A slightly sad smile touched his face, and he kissed Cullen’s hand again, “Is there anything you wanted to do? Or... anything I can do? Give you some space tomorrow, maybe?”

That was Cullen’s way, usually, and this was the last thing he wanted to interfere with. Dorian had never known loss like that, not really, and how people worked through it differed from one heart to the next.

\----

“No… no I don’t need space,” Cullen answered, “But there is something you could do. It might be strange, I guess, but what I’d like…” Cullen’s voice trailed off as he took another deep breath. This was hardly the most difficult thing he’d ever had to ask of Dorian, but it was… intimate. Another layer of his heart peeled away and laid bare at the man’s feet.

But Maker, he wanted it. He wanted Dorian to know the ins and outs of Cullen’s heart and mind, just like Cullen wanted to know the same of Dorian. This was a large part of his life - an _important_ part of his life, and it felt wrong not to share it with the man who held his heart.

“What I’d really like is if… if you went with me. To maybe meet her,” and here, Cullen’s voice grew a little thick with emotion. It wasn’t all sadness, though. There were nerves and there was happiness all rolled into that tremor in his voice. “And so she can meet you. It would… mean a lot to me if you would… but you don’t have to, really. I won’t be upset.”

\----

That was decidedly unexpected. Dorian had never had a problem with accepting Cullen’s life before him, had hoped he’d embrace it actually, and while he wasn’t much of one to _ask_ since it seemed needlessly cruel... he was curious. That dinner with Cullen’s family had been testament to the fact that Cullen could talk about it more openly now, as had a few of the conversations they’d had before. too, but he’d never really expected to be invited to partake in something like that. Of course he knew Cullen went and spoke to her about him, which was to be expected, but this?

A sudden wave of worry hit him. What if... what if he did something wrong? Maker, maybe it was irrational, but what if he did something she didn’t like? Ella had been such a part of his life, something he’d lost that had been so dear, and he didn’t want to do something that would tarnish anything of her memory.

“I... I mean, of course I would go with you,” he answered, “but are you _sure_? I’d hate to be disrespectful or something. You know, on accident. I’d... want her to like me.”

\----

Dark blond eyebrows raised, and Cullen blinked a few times before he laughed. “Disrespectful? Dorian, love, just be who you are.” He grinned then, and felt everything go just a little lighter. He couldn’t help it. The visit itself, parts would be hard - on both of them - but this was one more way Cullen could share himself with Dorian. One more way to bring the two parts of his life together into a whole instead of the disjointed mess it had been. Harmony where there’d been dissonance before.

The grin melted into something a little more sheepish then as Cullen added, “And Maker help me, but she would have loved you.” She would have, Cullen was sure. If things had gone differently, he never would have gotten a word in edgewise between the two of them.

\----

“From what you’ve told me about her, I think we would have gotten along rather well,” he agreed with a nod before he leaned over for a kiss, “we can stop by a florist in the morning too, if you like, get a couple of bouquets to take?” Maker help him, but Dorian was _nervous_. There was no reason to be, but he was.

He did smile, though, “And, I think... actually, I have something I think we should take. Would it be strange if I said I wanted it to be a surprise, though? For you both?”

\----

That smile was nice to see, it always was, but Cullen could see the nerves under it. They weren’t bad ‘lie on the bathroom floor for hours’ nerves, though. They were normal, run of the mill nerves as far as he could tell, and that was ok. It was… it was sweet, actually, and Cullen leaned in to give Dorian another kiss through his smile. “It’s not strange at all,” he replied, eyes warm and crinkled at the edges with happiness. “We’ll bring flowers, and I usually play a little bit, and with your surprise… she won’t know what to do with herself.” His voice dropped then, a little lower, a little more serious, “Thank you… for being willing to come. I know it’s probably… odd. I can’t imagine how it must make you feel…”

\----

He smiled and nuzzled his face into Cullen’s cheek, “No, I... I’ve thought about it, but I know that’s your time with her,” Dorian replied, “and I wouldn’t want to intrude on that. I always figured it would come up on its own if it was something you were comfortable with.” Though he’d always sort of expected Cullen to never want him there. Not out of shame or anything, but maybe out of just wanting to spend that time with Ella alone.

“We can have an easy evening of it too, if you like,” he went on, “order in, relax, that kind of thing. Or not. Whatever you want to do.” It wasn’t an anniversary that he would expect Cullen would want to _do_ anything for, but he wanted to make it clear that he was happy to let it be _their_ day. Cullen’s and Ella’s. Because he loved Cullen and he was sure he would have loved Ella too, in her own way, and it was important.

\----

And just like that, the nerves and the antsy electricity he'd felt for the past few days over the whole thing completely washed away. There was still the little pit of sadness, maybe that would never really go away, but it was surrounded by actual happiness. It was… an odd sort of dichotomy, but it wasn't unsettling. It actually felt… _good_ . More and more every day, he was learning that just saying what was on his mind, just asking for what he wanted, being open and _really_ communicating was the way to go. It was hard sometimes - even scary - but in the long run, it was _better_. A difficult lesson to learn, all told, but rewarding.

“No, relaxing sounds good. I can do relaxing,” Cullen chuckled as he leaned in and kissed the tip of Dorian’s nose. “Sounds like a perfect way to end the day… maybe order from that Tevinter place? Someone’s given me a taste for odd things like _curry_ and _hummus_.”

\----

That made Dorian laugh, and he slid out of the chair so he could wind his arms around Cullen’s shoulders, “We can do that,” he agreed. He buried his face in that soft hair and sighed. It felt good to have Cullen in his arms, and to actually talk about this than letting it bubble under the surface. They’d been so open, and it had done wonders for them both. Maybe that was why all this seemed to easy. Sure, they fought, but it wasn’t anything like the horror shows he’d heard about in the past.

“I love you,” he murmured into Cullen’s ear, “so much.”

\----

“Good thing,” Cullen said with a grin as he wrapped his arms around Dorian, “because I love you, too.”

And so the evening passed, as many others before, with the two of them on the couch, TV going in the background and Cullen's head in Dorian's lap while the man worked fingers through his hair. As simple and ordinary as it seemed, these were the moments that meant the most to Cullen. They were comfort and warmth and silent confidence that they were _making it_. It was working, and it was _amazing._ More than Cullen had dreamed possible the day he'd waited nervously at platform 3 with his guitar in the hopes that Dorian would be there and willing to even see him again. Thankfully, he had been. Thankfully, he'd been willing to put in the work.

Which left them there, on the eve of yet another important step in their relationship, just enjoying each other and the time they had. It was a small miracle, really.

The next morning, after sleepy kisses and hushed hellos, Cullen rose to make them breakfast while Dorian got showered. This was… a big day. In years past, he'd spent this day wallowing in grief or completely wasted out of his mind or both. As was the case then, there was still sadness in his heart - a piece of him had been fractured, lost the day Ella died - but that sadness had been joined by hope and love in quantities that were only growing by the day.

And there were nerves, too. Now that they were an hour or so from starting the day, he could feel them settling in as he plated their breakfast. He had what he wanted to say to Ella in mind… but there were things he wanted to say to Dorian, too, and he wasn't always good with words. Still, he needed to say them, so he began running them through his mind, rehearsing for when the time would be right. So engrossed in his little roleplay was he, that he didn't even hear Dorian padding up behind him where he sat at the counter.

\----

The day of. Dorian didn’t want to admit to how nervous he was, but as he’d showered and dressed, he couldn’t help the little anxious knot that settled just below his chest but just above his stomach. This was important. Very important. He didn’t want to fuck up anything to do with today, and he was doing his utmost to not let that happen.

So he pulled on a sweater, grabbed the little something he wanted to take with them other than the flowers, and headed for the kitchen so that they could eat. Cullen had spent the night with his head in Dorian’s lap while he soothed out and aches and pains in his scalp, neck, and shoulders, and had seemed to wake in a mostly positive mood. That was something. He’d smiled and kissed him and while there was a sadness in his eyes it wasn’t the desperate and complete grief Dorian had seen before. That was good.

“Hey,” he greeted as he rested a hand on Cullen’s back, “is there coffee too?” Grey eyes swept the area, and he leaned in to kiss a still slightly scruffy cheek, “are you okay? Still with me?”

\----

Cullen started in his seat at that touch and chuckled a bit for his reaction. Since rehab, he’d worked hard to not get so lost in his own head that he missed out on real life, but sometimes it was ok. This felt like one of the times it was acceptable, but he still jumped when he was pulled out of it. He hadn’t quite figured everything out, but he’d get there when it was time. Looking up at Dorian and hearing his voice, soft and full of care as it was, made him confident he would.

“Always,” he smiled and turned so he could face Dorian properly. “Fair warning, there may be waterworks later, but you remember that. I’m with you… and glad you’re with me.”

\----

“I know, amatus,” Dorian murmured, and bent to kiss the top of Cullen’s head as he wrapped his arms around him, “I’m glad too.”

He held onto Cullen for a long few moments, then nuzzled his face in against those blond waves. If there needed to be a lot of this today, then Dorian was happy to be the one to do it. Any excuse to curl the other man up close to him, especially when he seemed to need it. Dorian sighed happily, hugged the other man for a long time, then pulled away so he could get his food.

When he was settled again, Dorian reached out and rested a hand on Cullen’s leg, “I love you, hm?”

\----

It didn't take long to finish breakfast, and soon enough, Cullen was showered, shaved, and ready to go. There was an early spring chill in the air, so he'd dressed warmly in a long-sleeved button down, the dark red one Dorian had bought him to replace the old shirt he'd all but stolen. It was a conscious choice on Cullen's part, as was his suggestion they get Tevene takeout tonight. Despite the purpose of their journey, Cullen didn't want Dorian to feel left out or at all lesser. He wasn't, could never be, and those were the little ways Cullen could show him. The words would come later, he was sure they would.

Dorian called a cab while Cullen put his guitar in its case and they were on their way. The florist’s was a quick stop for Ella’s favorites, calla lilies, and all too soon, they'd stopped at the head of the path that led to her grave. As the car drove away, Cullen reached for Dorian's hand and squeezed. He could feel the heaviness settling, so he needed that touch just as much as it looked like Dorian did.

He breathed out in a long, shaky breath. “Here we are. Ready?”

\----

The entire trip to the cemetery, with the stop for flowers, had Dorian in a bit of a for. He was genuinely nervous, but he was trying to make it work. This was a big day for them both. It really was, and Dorian so wanted for this to be a good moment.

Dorian squeezed that hand and leaned over to kiss Cullen's shoulder. That closeness helped. It always helped. He wanted to be there for him, though. Dorian wanted to be the support. He’d promised to be that, and he would. He would.

“Lead the way,” he offered, “I'm right here with you, alright?”

\----

“I know you are,” Cullen replied with a wistful little smile, gave Dorian’s hand another squeeze, and took just a breath to center himself before adjusting the guitar case on his shoulder and taking that first step down the path. The late morning sunlight broke through the trees overhead, lighting the way with bright patches of light as the gravel crunched underfoot with each step. This walk had been so painful once upon a time, but now… it was oddly soothing. Beautiful, even, with the birdsong and the warm hand in Cullen’s own. Every day, it seemed, Cullen learned more about the good in life, and that held true, even here. There was a solemn beauty in what they were doing _together_.

Dorian was nervous, he knew that, but Dorian was _there_ , and that meant the world to him. Dorian meant the world to him. Hopefully, he knew that.

This walk, it had seemed far longer the first time he ever made walked it. That day had been grey and numb - the life had been sucked out of him, and he barely recognized anything or anyone as he stumbled where Mia led him. Today, though… today was _different_. He felt everything - the little twist of sadness surrounded by a warm blanket of love and gratitude. Because he was thankful. He was thankful for the man at his side, thankful that he’d found his will to live with that man’s help, thankful that he had this opportunity.

Thankful.

And then they were there, standing in front of her headstone. Cullen took a breath, gave Dorian a smile that was equal parts sad and happy, and took the few steps to kneel down in front of the stone and place one of the two bouquets they'd gotten - calla lillies, her favorite. As he always did, he ran his fingers over the epitaph:

**Myrcella Travelyan Rutherford**

7/10/1980 - 4/5/2008

_And in the end, the love you take  
_ _Is equal to the love you make_

“Hey Elliebelle,” he started in a soft voice. For a brief moment, there was the concern that maybe Dorian would think him a little off his rocker for speaking to a stone, but this was why he was there, so he pressed forward. “Sorry I haven’t been by in a while. There’s so much to tell you - things have changed, you know. For the better,” he paused and laughed at that - it was the understatement of the century. “Actually, it’s never been so good… and I… I wanted you to meet the reason for that. Dorian’s here, Ellie. He’s come to say hi.” Cullen turned and held his hand out for Dorian to join him there in front of Ella’s stone.

\----

When they came upon the headstone, Dorian had hung back to let Cullen have a moment. This was his moment, his time with Ella, though he did smile for how easily Cullen spoke to her. That was sweet. Cullen had such a big heart, loved so much and so hard, and it was evident in these moments. He looked so calm, but sad, and it was a refreshing thing to see. Dorian felt his own heart ache, and he pressed a hand to the pocket that held the little gift Dorian had brought with him.

Then Cullen turned, and Dorian stepped up to kneel beside the other man. He smiled, touched the gravestone as well, and turned to kiss Cullen’s shoulder. Should he speak, though? Introduce himself? He wasn’t sure. So he set the other bouquet of flowers down and settled back on his heels.

The quote on the gravestone was familiar. Dorian had read it in that package Mia had sent a hundred times before he’d tucked it away in his closet. He’d kept it, of course, tucked it away for whenever Cullen wanted it again. He’d been so hurt, though, and Dorian didn’t want to bring it out until they were both mostly sure that it wouldn’t set off too many bad feelings. Still, he knew it, and it made him smile to read it.

“Hello,” Dorian greeted softly, “I’m... I’m glad we could finally meet.”

Maker help him, but he could feel tears gathering in his eyes. So he reached out to take Cullen’s hand and squeeze it.

\----

“I told you he was handsome,” Cullen chuckled softly and moved to sit cross legged on the grass. The way Dorian spoke, soft and almost bashful, warmed Cullen's heart. The fact that he spoke at all in this situation… this moment was important to Cullen, but now he could tell that it was important to Dorian as well. And that was a powerful thought, one that had him squeezing Dorian's hand right back as his face flushed and his eyes went a little hot and red. He wouldn't try to stop that, but it was ok. It was ok to let Dorian see him like this. It was _comfortable_ to let Dorian see him like this - emotional, vulnerable. It was ok.

Cullen was silent for a while, enjoying the beauty of the day and the moment, feeling the love in his heart for the two people who had shaped his life - then and now - into something good and fulfilling and happy.

“You know,” Cullen started softly, his voice cast low for all that emotion, “There's something I've been meaning to tell you for a while now. Ella knows; I told her a while back… before everything fell apart… but I never figured out how… or _when_... to tell you. Things happened, you know, and we were fighting just to make it.”

He'd always meant to say the things that were on his mind to Dorian, but Maker, once he'd realized, everything seemed to happen all at once. The aftermath of Dorian's night with an ex-lover, the day Cullen broke, the weeks and months after. It had been such a struggle, and while what he felt was no less true, he'd focused on putting in the work needed to turn love into a life together. Now, though, everything was different. Secure. Safe. It felt right now, to say the words.

\----

“I remember you said you came and talked with her,” he answered with a nod before he smiled down at the stone, “I promise... things have gotten better since then. Much better.” Maybe it was still a little strange to talk to a headstone of a woman he only knew from a few pictures, but... it was easier than one would imagine. There was something calming about this. “You’d be so proud,” Dorian went on softly, “Maker knows I am. Every day.”

\----

The flush on Cullen's face went a little deeper for that, but not out of shame. He was… he was happy to hear Dorian say that. He was even happier to know that he believed it - once, he would have questioned himself internally or waved it off, saying _there's nothing to be proud of_ . But this was _now_ , and he was proud of himself for the steps he'd taken to truly change. He was proud of _them_ for not giving up.

“I know you are,” Cullen replied as he shifted to face Dorian a little more and took one of those lovely hands into both of his own. “And I'm so thankful for that. You've been so good about all this,” he went on and gestured to Ella’s stone before returning his hand back to Dorian's. “You haven't asked about anything _before_. I know it's because you don't want to… upset me. But I want you to know that you can. If you want to know, you can always ask.” He took a deep breath then, steadying himself to say the things he wanted to say. “Before that, though… What I wanted to say… what I wanted to tell you… it's hard for me. I'm not good with things like this if I'm not singing, it seems, so I hope I don't mess it up. But… I have to try. And I want to here, in this place. So will you listen? Is it ok?”

\----

Dorian smiled a little and squeezed Cullen’s hand, “I don’t think you could mess anything up,” he pointed out, then tipped his chin down to kiss Cullen’s fingers. This was... his place, after all. Whatever it was Cullen wanted to say, everything he wanted to talk about, this was his place to do it. Not that Dorian worried about anything, but... still.

“And of course I’ll listen,” Dorian told him, “you know I will.”

\----

A deep breath. A squeeze of the hands. A smiling glance over to Ella and then back at Dorian. _Here goes nothing._

“Like I said… you’ve been good to me. You haven’t pushed, haven’t asked for anything beyond what I’ve told you about Ella. And, until treatment… even for a while after… that was probably for the best… _then_ . But… things are different now. Better.” Cullen sighed, blush spreading from his face down his neck. He was dancing around it, rambling a bit, and tripping over his words. This wouldn’t do. “So I just… I don’t know if you ever wondered about this at all, considering… I know Ella’s a bit different from an ex, so I wanted you to know that when I say I love you, I _mean_ it. With everything in me, all that I have, I love you.”

He paused, partly to let those words sink in and partly to swallow the lump that was forming in his throat as he spoke. His voice was a little husky, a little shaky, and he knew he had to push through or risk losing the thread. Because there was more. That was only half of it.  

“You have to know, though… that I love Ella, too. Always will. But not… Oh Maker, that sounds bad, but I swear I don’t mean it like that. It’s hard to describe, but it’s not the same. There’s Ella and there’s you, and you’re both just as big, just as real in my heart.” He was pretty sure he wasn’t communicating this very well, the way they both held dominion in his heart. “I just… you know I’ll never forget Ella, but now… I don’t want to live without you. Not now. You’ve moved right into here,” he said as he placed a pale, slightly shaking hand over his heart, “and you’ve filled all the holes and cracks and made it whole again.” Close, but not quite everything. He’d have to hurry, because his throat was closing in on itself and his vision blurred with each word. “I love you. _You_. You’re not… not a replacement, but you are irreplaceable.”

That would have to do. Those last words came out choked, almost a sob but not quite. He hoped Dorian could take his meaning from that mess of rambling.

\----

Maker help him. Dorian's eyes widened, and he squeezed Cullen's hand. Did he really worry that Dorian thought that way? He didn't, never had, and there was a spike of worry of his own for it. Of course it made sense, though. He was... well, chronologically he was second, but Dorian never worried about being second in Cullen's affections. He’d never experienced the level of loss that Cullen had, but he rationalized that there were a lot of complicated feelings. Dorian knew that.

He opened his mouth, but nothing quite came out, so he closed it again and licked his lips. Dorian leaned in and kissed the other man’s shoulder before he offered a smile and pulled the hand he held to rest over his heart, “I know,” he managed finally. Of course he knew.

“I’ve never worried about that,” Dorian went on, “and... I’d never expect you to stop loving her, or that I was a replacement or any of that. I know.” He took a breath, held it for a moment, then leaned in and kissed Cullen’s cheek, “It’s alright, hm? I promise.”

\----

Thank the Maker, some of that had made sense. The nerves that had wound Cullen up tight, the emotion that had thickened his words and made his eyes shine, it all let loose at once, and his body relaxed as he just leaned over and rested his forehead on Dorian’s shoulder. It was out, he’d said it, he’d meant it… and Dorian knew. He understood. Cullen stayed that way for a while, breathing in and out while he let his heart calm. Maker, this man was everything to him now. What had he done to have something so good in his life?

“It is alright,” Cullen said after a while. “It really is.” He was smiling, though he knew Dorian couldn’t see, but it was in his voice. He straightened up then and wiped at his eyes, still smiling. “I’m glad I could finally get that out… even if you didn’t worry, I just… I’ve tried to put myself in your shoes… so I wanted you to hear it from me.”

\----

“I appreciate that,” Dorian told him, “knowing is good, but hearing it is nice too.” He smiled, then wrapped his arms around Cullen so he could hold him for a long moment. “I love you, Cullen,” he murmured softly, “more than anything. And honestly, I... I’m happy you have her in your heart too. I want you to.”

One hand lowered to touch the gravestone, and Dorian turned to look down at it, “Maker knows you’re so important too,” he told Ella gently, “to us both, for different reasons.”

\----

Bright, amber eyes opened wide and blinked a few times at that as Cullen felt something catch in his chest. Maker, that was about the most touching thing… ever, and for a while, Cullen didn’t even trust himself to speak. He just moved to put a hand over Dorian’s where it lay on Ella’s stone, feeling the warmth of his skin and the cool, smooth surface of the granite under his fingers. The two parts of his life - the two _best_ parts of his life - where there just under his hand, and for a moment, it was a bit too much for words.

Finally, though, Cullen cleared his throat and managed a soft chuckle. “See, Ella? I told you. He’s really a sweet guy… even if he says he isn’t, don’t you believe him.” Cullen smiled then and pressed a kiss to Dorian’s cheek. “You are, and don’t even argue this time.”

\----

He rolled his eyes, “Only this time, I won’t,” Dorian agreed before he turned to kiss Cullen’s forehead, “I’ll give you a bit of time with her, if you like. To play or... talk. But I’d like a word alone with her when you’re done too, maybe?”

Dorian flipped his hand under Cullen’s and squeezed it, “I won’t be too far away, though.”

\----

“I…” Cullen began before Dorian moved away, “I’d like a little time, yes, to catch up. But when I play… I’d like it if you listened. And you can have your time, too.” That last part surprised Cullen, but today had been that way, it seemed. Full of surprising little things that meant so much.

After Dorian nodded, squeezed Cullen’s hand one more time, and walked the short distance away to lean against a large shade tree. Cullen smiled at him with real warmth before he turned back to Ella. “He’s a good man, but don’t tell him I told you that. He likes to keep up a certain reputation,” Cullen chucked and winked before his face moved into something more solemn. “It’s been a while, I know. Last time I was here…”

The last time he was there, he’d just gotten out of treatment. That was a… difficult conversation to have with her. To tell her that he’d fallen again. But it was good, too, because he got to tell her he’d been able to stand back up again, with help from people who really loved him. And he was still standing because of those people. So he told her all about after that. He told her through tears about reconnecting with his family, how much they’d truly missed him, how easy it was to fall back into the fold, and how sad it was that he’d waited so damn long. He told her about how Dorian had been terrified when he first met them, but by the end of that evening, had somehow felt comfortable enough to come for Midwinter dinner. He laughed as he told her how Dorian had asked Cullen to move in, and just how sappy sweet and just perfect it had been.

But mostly, he told her how happy he was. How the work he’d done - and was still doing - had paid off. He told her how full his heart was now, and how every morning he woke up next to Dorian was perfect. A gift. His new life was a gift, and he was grateful for every minute of it.

“So there you are, Ellie,” he finally said, and ran a hand over his face to wipe away the tears that had fallen. “I’m doing well - actually well. I have bad days still… those will happen here and there… but I’m stronger now. I have support. I have people I love, and who love me. I have you looking over me and I have Dorian. I have so, so much. My life is so full now,” he sniffled a bit and leaned forward to run a finger over her name, “I miss you, Ellie, but I’m alright. We’re alright.”

Cullen turned and waved at Dorian, to let him know he was done. As he made his way over, Cullen turned back to the stone, pressed a kiss to the first two fingers of his left hand and held it to the stone. “I love you, Ells. You be good now.”

\----

He hadn’t strayed too far, since Dorian wanted to be there in case Cullen needed him. This was one of those things that he didn’t want to hover, but he didn’t want to be too far away either. He hadn’t been around the last time, hadn’t really known enough to be there, and this time he wanted there to be that closeness. That was important to him. Still, he could only just hear Cullen from where he stood and smiled to himself as he heard the man recount their escapades so far. It was endearing to hear how loving Cullen’s voice was when he talked about it, and he could only imagine the woman from all those pictures laughing right along with him.

Then it seemed Cullen was done, and he was pressing two fingers with a kiss to the stone. It was sweet, so sweet, and Dorian smiled warmly as he watched it. As he got closer, Dorian wound his arms around Cullen and nuzzled in at his neck, “You’re such a good man,” he murmured in against warm skin, and hugged him tightly, “so, so good.” And he was, he was such a good man. Dorian couldn’t believe that someone so _good_ would love him so, but he did. That meant the world to him.

They stayed like that for a little while before Dorian let Cullen go and settled himself like Cullen had in front of Ella’s gravestone. He wasn’t so sure what to say, not really, since he hadn’t known her. That said, he knew Cullen, and knew that Ella loved him too. They had that in common, and that was good enough for now. So he reached into his pocket and pulled out a little wrapped something, and held it in his hands.

“I... I’m not sure if I should tell you a bit about me or if I should leave it up to the universe that you’ll know,” he began softly, “and maybe this is weird for you too. It sort of is for me, but I know that you seem like a wonderful woman. I think, had all this worked out differently, that we might have been friends. I would have loved you both, in a way, and I’m sad I missed out on that.”

Dorian sighed then, and licked his lips, “But Cullen... you know Cullen. He’s been in good and bad places for a while now, lost sometimes, but he’s getting back now. He’s so strong. Stronger than anyone I’ve ever known, and I love him _so_ much for it. I’ve never been more proud of someone in my life or so fucking... I mean, in _awe_. He’s so strong and so good. I don’t know that I’ve ever done anything to deserve having someone like him in my life, but I thank the Maker every day that I do.”

Slowly, Dorian unwrapped the paper to show off a small, completely enclosed frame. Should it rain, the picture inside would be safe. It was a picture Dorian loved, one that Mia and Cullen’s family also loved, of Cullen just sitting with his guitar. Mia had seen it on his phone, asked for copies to give out, and Dorian had a few printed to put up around _their_ home. It only seemed fitting for Ella to have one as well. “I brought this,” he offered, “because I thought it was beautiful and you should have it. He still plays all the time and I love it, and... he should be here with you, somehow. It only seems right.” He set the picture down beside the flowers and smiled, “You’re both beautiful, you know, Ella? And important. You’re important to him and important to me, and I’m…”

His voice broke, and one hand lifted to wipe a bit at his eyes as they started to heat and tear up a little, “I’m so thankful you got to love him too.”

\----

He'd wanted to be respectful - Dorian had done as much for him, after all - but before Cullen could stand, Dorian was seated and talking. Talking to Ella. About him. Cullen had held it together admirably thus far - oh, he'd gotten choked up and wet eyed before, had let some tears slip here and there and stumbled over some words, but for the most part, he'd managed.

But _this_? For all his stubborn insistence otherwise, Dorian's heart was so big, so kind. If he thought Cullen was a good man for the progress he'd made, well, that made Dorian infinitely more so to have found the grace to accept him as he was, to somehow love him even before he got the help he needed, to accept Cullen's past without reservation. Dorian had been able to face Cullen's demons, hold him accountable for the hurt he'd caused, and still look past it all to see more. The man was special, precious, and even if he spent the rest of his life looking the world over, Cullen was convinced there was no other soul in existence that was Dorian's equal.

The road Cullen walked had been long and full of pain, but he knew in his heart that everything, _all_ of it, had been to lead him to this moment with Dorian. As empty as Ella’s death had left him, as much as he loved her, it was all to get him _right here_ , _right now_. He was where he belonged. He was next to the person he belonged with.

The beautiful man with the beautiful heart and the amazing capacity to love.

_And in the end, the love you take..._

As Dorian spoke, Cullen's heart expanded even more, aching a bit for the pain of growth, but it was a good ache. It meant he had that much more to give back. And he wanted to. He'd give everything, all of him, to return the love he got.

_… is equal to the love you make._

When Dorian finished, Cullen was beyond words. Beyond holding back. He just leaned over, collapsing into Dorian as he wrapped his arms around the man and buried his head under Dorian's jaw.

And yes, he cried. As he clung to Dorian, he just let all the… everything out.

He cried for the loss. He cried for the pain. He cried for the happiness and love and joy. For the beauty of what Dorian had said, how he felt, and the peace it caused in Cullen's heart, he cried. Unashamed.

In the end, it left him red-faced and a little worn out, but renewed. It was one of those moments… a moment that looked small and maybe a little sad on the outside, but made things shift and brought with it hope and light and the stirrings of forever.

“ _You_ are amazing,” he finally murmured, head still tucked into Dorian's neck, “And strong and kind and I am so, so _grateful_ for every second with you… and selfishly pray for more every night.” Cullen took a shaky breath then and straightened so he could look into bright grey eyes, “I wouldn't be who I am without you. I just wouldn't. I love you, Dorian. Completely.”

\----

The way Cullen all but melted into him made tears fill Dorian's eyes even more. His heart was so full, so open, and it was so good that it hurt. It hurt in the best way. So he buried his face in that soft hair and let himself cry too. Dorian cried for the pain he'd felt before and the happiness he felt now. This felt like healing. It felt like _he_ was healing.

Then, when Cullen moved away he reached up to cup the other man's face, “I love you too. So much. More than anything.” And he did. More than he ever thought he could. Maker help him, but he loved Cullen more than he thought was possible.

“I always will.”

\----

That was it. Those words. It was everything Cullen could ask for, everything he wanted. Knowing that he was accepted and, more than that, loved. Loved with the promise of _always_ . There was so much to fill out his life now, so much to smile about, so much light and laughter. Once on a rainy day that had torn his heart apart and left him scarred and reeling, Cullen had given up on everything. In this very spot years ago, he’d decided he wasn’t worth anything good or joyful. He’d decided he was meant for rain and hurt… but here now, in the same place - in front of the same stone - where things had closed in and _ended_ , he felt renewal. He felt life and knew the future stretched out ahead of him.

“I know,” he answered as he turned his head to press a kiss into one of Dorian’s palms. And he did - he _knew_. There wasn’t a shadow of a doubt in his mind, not in believing those words or meaning them when he returned the sentiment, “And I’ll love you, too… always.”

The sun had come out, and he basked in its warmth. He basked in the warmth of a love that radiated out from his heart, from the place where both Dorian and Ella lived together.

And he knew now, that’s what he was meant for.

“I’ve got a song… it’s for Ella, but it’s for us, too,” he went on as he straightened up, running a hand over his face before twisting to bring his guitar around. “So, I’ll just…”

His words trailed off as he strummed a few notes, fingers moving quickly over the strings. It sounded good, great even, and he smiled before he began in earnest.

_Here comes the sun, here comes the sun  
_ _And I say it's all right_

_Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter  
_ _Little darling, it feels like years since it's been here_

_Here comes the sun, here comes the sun  
_ _And I say it's all right_

_Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces  
_ _Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here_

_Here comes the sun, here comes the sun  
_ _And I say it's all right_

_Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting  
_ _Little darling, it seems like years since it's been clear_

_Here comes the sun, here comes the sun  
_ _And I say it's all right_

_Here comes the sun, here comes the sun  
_ _It's all right, it's all right_

And sitting there under that clear blue sky next to Dorian, knowing that they would keep going, that they had a real future that was full of support and love… Cullen couldn’t help but believe that it really was. It _was_ all right.

\----

This song. Dorian liked it already, and hearing Cullen sing it was even better. He smiled, rested his chin on one hand as he listened, and just took in how the day felt. It was warmer, the sun out and shining down on their shoulders, and watched Cullen with his golden curls and singing. He was a bit like an angel, and in these moments he really did feel blessed to know that the other man loved him too.

Ella would always be a part of Cullen’s life, and he knew that, but he did know that the space he shared in Cullen’s heart was large. There was room for them both, a love that was so important and strong, and it made him happy. What he’d said before was true, that he loved Ella in his own way just by sheer virtue that she’d loved Cullen too. She was so important to him, and thus so important to Dorian. He’d never feel second best or... anything like that. If anything, it felt more important that Cullen shared his love with them both.

So he rubbed a hand over Cullen’s back, and when the song ended he smiled and kissed the other man’s shoulder, “I’m glad you asked me to come,” Dorian told him, “this is everything I’d hoped it would be.”

\----

Cullen smiled back, heart light and full of hope. “Me, too, love. Me, too.”

**Author's Note:**

> This is a published roleplay, written by sallyamongpoison (Dorian) and mistysinkat (Cullen).
> 
> The song referenced is, of course, "Here Comes the Sun" by The Beatles. It's on Spotify here: https://open.spotify.com/track/6dGnYIeXmHdcikdzNNDMm2


End file.
